Pregnancy Guilt-feeling bad about feeling happy.
May 3rd 2010 00:01
With our first child, it was easy. “We're pregnant! Yay! Everyone will be so happy!” was pretty much how it went. Then we got to know a lot of couples in our area who are around our age and also trying to expand their families. Suddenly it's not so easy anymore.
Why not, you ask? Isn't a (planned? hoped for?) pregnancy usually something to be celebrated and shared? Of course it is, but one thing I wasn't counting on was pregnancy guilt.
Pregnancy guilt can mean a lot of different things. I already have another post planned on another form of it. This time, however, I'm talking about feeling guilty because you're pregnant and someone else isn't. (note: though I don't do the whole “shared pregnancy” thing, whenever I say “you're pregnant” in this blog, it means as a couple.)
As I said, several of our friends are either pregnant or trying to get pregnant. The first time I saw the possible problems with this situation was when my wife and I were having trouble getting pregnant. Whenever one of our friends got pregnant while my wife wasn't, my wife would be happy for them but a little depressed at the same time. She would wonder why they got pregnant and we couldn't. A few of our other friends were the same way...”why not me?”
Then, finally, we got pregnant, and I was suddenly wondering how I'd break it to my friends that were still trying and would likely feel kind of bad about it, especially if they were having lots of problems conceiving also. I wanted to tell them, but felt bad doing it. So I tried to think of some guidelines to minimize bad feelings on both sides. Here's what I came up with:
1.Do it one-on-one. If you know someone may have mixed feelings about the fact that you're pregnant, telling them when you're with a bunch of other people may not be the best way to go. My wife suggests email or Facebook (in a message, not on their wall!) because then they can have whatever reaction they want without anyone seeing it. Plus that way they can be more composed when you see them next.
2.Tell them first, or close to first. Make sure they find out from you, not from someone else.
3.Now that I've told my friends that are having trouble, I try not to bring it up unless they mention it first. I figure if they want to know how things are going, they'll ask. Better to let them guide the conversation.
Keep in mind, these are just my thoughts on the subject. I may be over-thinking things, but based on the reactions of my wife and some of the women I know, I think they're a good way to keep good feelings all around about something that should be a very happy subject! If you have and other ideas or suggestions on the subject, feel free to leave them in the comments!
Why not, you ask? Isn't a (planned? hoped for?) pregnancy usually something to be celebrated and shared? Of course it is, but one thing I wasn't counting on was pregnancy guilt.
Pregnancy guilt can mean a lot of different things. I already have another post planned on another form of it. This time, however, I'm talking about feeling guilty because you're pregnant and someone else isn't. (note: though I don't do the whole “shared pregnancy” thing, whenever I say “you're pregnant” in this blog, it means as a couple.)
As I said, several of our friends are either pregnant or trying to get pregnant. The first time I saw the possible problems with this situation was when my wife and I were having trouble getting pregnant. Whenever one of our friends got pregnant while my wife wasn't, my wife would be happy for them but a little depressed at the same time. She would wonder why they got pregnant and we couldn't. A few of our other friends were the same way...”why not me?”
Then, finally, we got pregnant, and I was suddenly wondering how I'd break it to my friends that were still trying and would likely feel kind of bad about it, especially if they were having lots of problems conceiving also. I wanted to tell them, but felt bad doing it. So I tried to think of some guidelines to minimize bad feelings on both sides. Here's what I came up with:
1.Do it one-on-one. If you know someone may have mixed feelings about the fact that you're pregnant, telling them when you're with a bunch of other people may not be the best way to go. My wife suggests email or Facebook (in a message, not on their wall!) because then they can have whatever reaction they want without anyone seeing it. Plus that way they can be more composed when you see them next.
2.Tell them first, or close to first. Make sure they find out from you, not from someone else.
3.Now that I've told my friends that are having trouble, I try not to bring it up unless they mention it first. I figure if they want to know how things are going, they'll ask. Better to let them guide the conversation.
Keep in mind, these are just my thoughts on the subject. I may be over-thinking things, but based on the reactions of my wife and some of the women I know, I think they're a good way to keep good feelings all around about something that should be a very happy subject! If you have and other ideas or suggestions on the subject, feel free to leave them in the comments!
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